Where Have all the Moms Gone?

I am writing this sitting at yet another empty park.  Where have all the moms gone?  Up until about 8 or 9 years ago, I could take my kids to the park and know that there would be another lonely mom looking for some adult interaction.  Now, when I go to the park, it is me, my littles, and the lawn maintenance man.  I think I have spent more hours in the company of the lawn maintenance man than any other adult in the last few years.

My daughter just ran up to me and said, “Why are there never any kids at this park?”  That is a really good question.  I guess I am not the only one who noticed the emptiness.

I think it was the invention of the internet that ruined being a stay at home mom.  While it gave us a global community, it totally wrecked the local one.  A mom can sit inside her house and chat with other moms around the world 24 hours a day, and completely ignore the mom next door.  The percentage of U.S. moms on Facebook has grown rapidly, from 50 percent in 2010 to 72 percent in 2012. 

I saw a mom post on Facebook the other day that said “I haven’t read a book since the invention of twitter.”   I think there are a lot of us who haven’t had a meaningful conversation with another person in real life since the invention of twitter.  When I complain about the lack of companionship to my husband, he says who cares?  Why can’t you just be happy hanging out with kids?  Clearly, he is not a mom and does not know how much women need their girlfriends.

I don’t think I like this new world.  I think there are a lot of lonely women now who don’t even know why they are sad, lonely and depressed.  According to a new Gallup analysis of more than 60,000 U.S. women between the ages of 18 and 64 (before retirement age) interviewed in 2012 found that 28 percent of stay-at-home moms reported depression a lot of the day when asked how they were feeling the day before, but only 17 percent of employed moms did.  I would guess the reason is the huge lack of adult interaction in stay at home moms.

A study published in this month’s Journal of Family Psychology, found that working mothers were less depressed and reported better overall health than moms who stayed at home with their kids who were not yet in school.

I recently conducted an experiment to see the effects of cell phones on friendship.  I cancelled my cell phone contract. Coincidentally that is the same day I lost all of my friends.  I did not hear from or see any of my friends until March and that was in response to an SOS blog post about my loneliness.   I saw two friends in April and it is now the end of May with little contact.  Even though I was conducting this experiment in the name of science, I was still plunged into despair with essentially 4-5 months of no adult contact. 

I have had a few messages from people asking when I am getting a cell phone.  I have a home phone and everyone has that number, but no one really calls it unless they really need something.   Is it because people only want to tell you something via text in 140 characters or less?  They are too busy for a conversation in which you might actually talk back and take up time?

15 years ago when I had kids the same ages as my younger kids are now, my neighbors were always out when the kids were.  We had some of the best times sitting in lawn chairs chatting while the kids played.  In the last 10 years, I have been alone in my driveway…I don’t think I got suddenly despicable, I think the culture of motherhood changed. 

The kids are all still out playing in the driveway, but there is not a mom in sight.  Where have all the moms gone?

Joy

Reprint from 2011

One filled with joy preaches without preaching.
~Mother Teresa

Have you ever known anyone who lights up a room when they walk in to it? There are some people who radiate joy all the time. These are not necessarily people who have had an easy, comfortable, life and received all they ever wanted all the time. Sometimes, they are people who have known great hardship or crushing grief and yet they still rejoice.

That is the habit that I am cultivating this year. It is why on Mondays I am practicing joy, in order to make it a habit so that it is not something I have to try to do.

I sometimes feel guilty for having to make a habit of joy. I live in the most prosperous country in the world. My children are healthy. I drink clean water, eat safe, plentiful food. We have shelter and not just a shack but a lovely home with good schools for our kids. I don't trudge down to the river to wash clothes or get water for the day. I don't worry about sickness, violence, famine, or most natural disasters. I am so very lucky compared with most mothers in the world.

Shouldn't joy be automatic? Shouldn't praise and thanksgiving? Sadly, I guess I am too used to living in relative luxury (do NOT tell my husband I said that:) and I have to force myself to not dwell on petty annoyances or frustrations. Because we don't have to worry about a crocodile snatching our child for dinner, we have time to worry over what so and so thinks of us or what someone meant in an email. We get bogged down by pettiness. That can really suck the joy out of our lives.

Well, today we are not going to be bogged down. We are going to start the day smiling and continue no matter what. I decided a very long time ago that I wanted my wrinkles to be laughter wrinkles so today I am going to work on those wrinkles! Smile at every grumpy person you see and there are so many...they are bogged down. Lift them up. I am not going to hide my light today, I am going to let it shine.

Only 2 more weeks until we launch the Kalispell Moms for Moms website.  I am super excited about this online local community.  It will be like cafemom, but local, so women can find one another, chat in the forum, join groups based on interest and actually meet one another, unlike the global communities.  There is a marketplace to sell your stuff, a business section for local mom owned businesses, an events page.  It will be the place for all the moms in the valley to find information, things to do, places to go, and other moms with similar interests.

So, I have been working hard on this site, adding content and sending out press releases.  That is keeping me busy this month.  The website launches on June 1st.  Other than that it has been lots of baseball/softball.  Matt and Dillon are playing really well this season and the little girls are all learning softball...which actually seems a lot like herding ducks :)

Greg is coaching Dillon's team.  Michaela is graduating in 2 weeks.  Stephen is in Lithuania with the Army.  Jack is about to finish his first year of paramedic training.  Daniel is studying all the time in hopes of a big scholarship to Montana State.

Well, that is the run down.  Everyone is doing well and looking forward to summer which is enjoyed here so much because it is so fleeting.

Five ways to raise good teens.

Repost from 2011....

Five ways to raise good teens.

1. Sports and extracurricular activities. Teens who play a sport or are involved in other on campus activities do not have the time or the extra energy to hang out and get in trouble. They also have a built in peer group who also do not have time to get in trouble. Sports have been a major factor in keeping my teens busy, tired and focused on school. It is too late to try and get them involved after they are in high school, you have to get them doing things when they are little so they naturally gravitate toward those activities in high school.

2. Family dinner. Kids who sit down for dinner with the family are less likely to be involved in drugs and alcohol. They are talking and listening to parents and parents know what is going on in their lives. Dinner is really important.

3. Family vacations. A disturbing trend is the vacation where a teen brings a friend along. Vacations need to be a memory making time with just the family. It needs to be the time that you build connections, traditions and foundations with your kids, not the time that you do your thing and they do theirs. Be a family.

4. Church. Kids need to know that someone has their back all. the. time. Faith is also something that builds a connection with your kids. It is one of the things you all do together each week.

5. Tell your kids what you know. Talk to them. You can't just give your kids a talk once and have it stick, you have to repeat and repeat over the course of a childhood. If you don't tell your kids something is wrong, someone else will tell them it is right.

5 ways to find your joy.

1. Stop looking backward. You know the saying if you break your arm in three places, don't go to those places anymore? Well, that applies to the past as well. It is hard to receive blessings in the present if your hands are full of the blessings of the past...let them go and receive the present. Remember that Lot's wife turned to a pillar of salt by looking backward.

2. Revel in the journey. It may not be where you want to be...be that a place, a job, a home...but it is what you've got right now so find the joy in it. Look for the lessons and look for the happiness.

3. Keep a journal filled with things that bring you joy...quotes, pictures, articles. Take it out whenever you need inspiration.

4. Work each day toward a small goal. They all add up to something big and give you a feeling of success and happiness.

5. Look for joy moments. They fill every day if you are present. Little ones picking you flowers. Beautiful sunsets. Warm sunshine through the window while you read a good book. These are gifts, treasure them.

Another Book List

I already shared with you my top 10 list, so moving on to the next in line of the best books I have read.  This should keep you busy until the next list ;)

The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood..Rebecca Wells
Eat, Pray, Love... Elizabeth Gilbert
Wild...Cheryl Strayed
The Devil's Teeth...Susan Casey
From Sea to Shining Sea...Alexander Thom
Follow the River...Alexander Thom
Olive Kitteredge...Elizabeth Strout
Mrs. Kimble...Jennifer Haigh
Lucia, Lucia...Adriana Trigiani
Snow Flower and the Secret Fan...Lisa See
The Joy Luck Club...Amy Tan (and all of her books)
The Thorn Birds...Colleen McCullough
Every Last One...Anna Quindlen
Fall on Your Knees...Ann Marie McDonald
Belong to Me...Marisa de los Santos
The Deep End of the Ocean...Jacqueline Mitchard
Anna Karenina...Leo Tolstoy
Good Grief..Lolly Winston
Drowning Ruth...Christina Schwartz
While I Was Gone...Sue Miller
She's Come Undone...Wally Lamb
A Map of the World...Jane Hamilton
White Oleander...Janet Fitch
Ethan Frome...Edith Wharton
Vinegar Hill..A. Manette Ansay
Stones from the River...Ursula Hegi
Wuthering Heights...Emily Bronte
The Copper Beach...Maeve Binchy
The Shell Seekers...Rosamund Pilcher
Colony...Ann Rivers Siddons
The Great Santini and Beach Music...Pat Conroy
The Rapture of Caanan..Sheri Reynolds
The Hunger Games...Suzanne Collins
The Age of Innocence...Edith Wharton
Dr. Zhivago...Boris Pasternak
Silas Marner...George Eliot

Big families..what we wish you knew.

Top 5 comments at the grocery store...

1.  Do you know what causes that?

2.  You have your hands full!

3.  Are you having more/are you done/are you pregnant again/haven't you heard of birth control?

4.  You must be Mormon or Catholic.

5.  You must be crazy/patient/supermom?

Top 5 comments that are just mean and uncalled for...  always said in front of my kids.

1.  Do they all have the same father?

2.  Dear God, tell me you aren't having another...this said by a cashier at Sams.  I had 9 children with me and was shopping in preparation for being induced the following day...Obviously, I was having another one.

3.  If I were you, I would kill myself.  Or the equally baffling..Better you than me.  No doubt.

4.  A neighbor once invited us over for dinner when we only had 6 and told us our kids would have to eat outside.

5.  I can't tell you the number of times I have been compared to the Duggars at a party and then in the next breath the woman goes on a tirade about how disgusting the Duggars are.  Awkward, thanks.

6.  oops, sorry 6..I just remembered another one...have you ever forgotten someone's birthday?  Um..no...I love all my kids as much as you love all of yours.

Top 5 things big family moms wish other people knew..

1.  We are not supermoms and you don't have to apologize for only having two and then explaining why.  It wasn't a contest.

2.  We still like to do stuff with girlfriends.  We would love to be included.  Yes, we are busy at home, but we still would like to be invited to the things you are doing.

3.  Yes, we love kids.  That doesn't mean we want to watch them for free.  Just because we have a lot of kids does not mean we won't notice a bunch that don't belong to us.  What is one more?  Actually, it is one more human being that needs love, nurturing, care.

4.  Please invite us over.  We don't care if there aren't enough chairs.  We love to be included in neighborhood stuff.

5.  We have bad days, too.  We get tired, overwhelmed and frustrated.  Sometimes we feel like we can't ask for help because we have a lot of kids and chose that life.  We have to look like we have it all together.  That can be exhausting, too.

What people think..

1.  That we are either rich or poor.  We are neither..solidly middle class.

2.  That we are uneducated.  We both have college degrees from good schools.

3.  That our kids don't get enough attention.  We spend a lot of time with our kids, coaching teams, skiing, boating, playing football, reading aloud.  In fact, some of our little kids are spoiled rotten by all the attention they get :)

4.  That our house is loud....okay, this one is true :)

5.  That we love kids...okay, this one is also true.

Myths to bust..

1.  The teenage years are awful.  We have 5 teens right now and while at times it can be trying, I actually really enjoy the teens and their friends.  They are smart and funny and if you train them right when they are little, they turn into some pretty neat people.

2.  Having a big family is too expensive.  Having little kids was not expensive at all.  The teen years can cost more with insurance, sports, college expenses..but, we just have to budget differently.  It all works out.

3.  You need a lot of patience.  I am not a particularly patient person.  Everyone seems to be okay.

4.  You don't have any time for yourself.  It is busy with sports, activities, and care.  I make time to run every day or else I am not a particularly patient person... hmm..wait, maybe it isn't working..see number 3 :)

5.  You can't travel.  Our kids have traveled all over the country and Canada.  We have never just stayed home because we had little kids.  They kind of just do whatever you are doing.  I think the kids have been to 38 states.  Get out there and see some stuff!

Best things about a big family...

1.  Your kids always have a playmate.  There is no boredom.  Sometimes, I think we need more boredom so they would read more out of boredom.

2.  It keeps you young.  I will have kids at home until I am 63.  It keeps me active.

3.  There is a ton of laughter.

4.  Everyone has to pitch in so kids grow up knowing how to work and have a high tolerance for noise and distraction.

5.  LOVE.  There is so much love in this house.  When I watch my big kids with my little kids, I know that having a big family expanded their hearts and mine.